Dear Diary,

Bob Hope was in Quantico, (Is that the way to spell it?) Virginia, tonight, at a marine base. He’s staying in Washington, so naturally he talked about it all evening. He pulled that gag that he used on the Victory Caravan about finding out what D.C. stands for. Tonight he said, “Darned Crowded,” but those aren’t the words he used May 11. They were just a tiny bit stronger than that. Bob didn’t have a guest tonight, but won’t he be happy next week! Madeleine Carroll yet! Bob was talking to Frances Langford about the girls in Washington and Frances said, “Bob, you should be able to get a date with some nice girl here.” Bob said, “Yes, I did, but every time I got close to her, she’d move away. It was just no soap.” Fran: “How come?” Bob: “No soap!” Bob was talking about Crosby and said, “I should have given him another lift. Bing isn’t used to such speed.” (See preceding page)

Dear Diary,

I finally started back to school today, and believe me, it’s about time.

I’ve simply got to say a little more about Bob Hope’s show last night. He was talking about a picnic the whole gang attended last week, and he said, “I bent over in a crap game to throw the dice, but a bull from an adjoining pasture horned in. He made his point before I made mine.” Then, still talking about crap games, he said, “The sailors here sound like they sighed when Frances Langford walked in, but they have to breathe like that—their pants are too tight. They even have to unlace the back of their pants when they bend down go shoot craps.” Bob also mentioned his forthcoming tour over the country. He’s taking the whole cast of his show with him.

Dear Diary,

Bob Hope took his program to Camp Callen tonight. Boy, if he ever gets drafted, he should feel right at home. He’s visited practically every camp in California, and he goes to another one next week.

Billie Burke was his guest again tonight. Frankly I be perfectly content if he took Betty Hutton and Frances Langford off the show and gave their time to Billie. Billie and Silly, or Burke and Jerk go well together. Of course, she’s always insulting him or making fun of something about him, but then who isn’t?

I didn’t expect Bob to say anything about coming to Dallas tomorrow, but right at the end of the program, Ben Gage wished him luck in the golf tour he and Bing Crosby are playing in Dallas, Houston and San Antonio. (I wish he’d leave out those other cities and spend three days in Dallas.)

Dear Diary,

Bob Hope’s guest tonight was Edward Everett Horton. He was good, but Bob has had better guests.

Bob was talking to Frances Langford about the new picture he’s making with M. Carroll. He said something about the window between his and Mady’s dressing rooms, and Frances said, “And isn’t that a cute idea of hers—barbed wire curtains.” Bob replied, “Yes, it keeps out the sun—my mother’s.”

Jerry Colonna and Bob got into one of their famous quarrels over how to pronounce a word. Jerry said, “Tinks.” Bob said, “Tanks.” “Tinks.” “Tanks,” “Tinks” “Tanks.” Jerry finally said, “Anyone who listens to this program knows it’s tinks!” I didn’t especially care for all the applause that followed that remark, and apparently Bob didn’t either, because he said, “No applause there, please.”

They got into three of those arguments. I hope they don’t run it completely in the ground, because so far it’s been kinda cute to hear them try to invent a substitute for the Hut Sut Song.

Dear Diary,

Bob Hope’s show was naturally (?) dedicated to me tonight, since tomorrow is my birthday so I’ll just mention a few of the jokes he pulled for me.

1. “This is Bob Thansgiving Day Hope—Ah yes, Thanksgivings are here again.”

2. “I saw a turkey looking at a calendar and singing ‘Why Don’t We Do This Less Often?'”

3. In a sketch of Thanksgiving on Park Avenue, Frances L. said that bob was getting a little pot tummy. When they departed into the drawing-room, Bob said “James, steer it.” Frances said that she ate too much and Bob said, “Yes, I did too. James, burp me.”

4. In the chapter form Bob’s book tonight he was Packy East, pugulist with a capital pu; and Skinnay Ennis was his bosomless pal.”

Dear Diary,

He’s back, and I think you know who I mean. I don’t believe he enjoys it though, because right after the program came on the air I heard him saying, very faintly, “Thirty-nine weeks of this again.” He pulled one gag tonight that was sort of dirty, but not too much so. Frances Langford said, “Bob, why didn’t you join that Conga line at the night club last night?” Bob said, “Oh, was that the Conga line? I thought they were waiting to get in the wash room.”

He talked a good deal about his book. Imagine Bob Hope writing a book. I think there are a few copies in Dallas, but I haven’t been able to find one.

Dear Diary,

I saw in the paper today that Frances Langford is going to be Bob Hope’s regular vocalist this season. I like her okay, but when Bob has a vocalist, he never does any singing himself, and that’s bad. He does little enough as it is, and when Judy Garland was his vocalist he did even less.

Bill Goodwin won’t be on the show next season. I wonder what they’ll do for drunkard roles.

Dear Diary,

Bob Hope broadcast from March Field tonight. His guest was Frances Langford. Bob sang a solo tonight, and, for a change, it was a song that hasn’t been sung much on the radio. It was “Ive Been Drafted—And Now I’m Drafting You.” It was the cutest song I’ve heard him sing since “Captain Custard” in “The Road To Singapore.”

I imagine he used a lot of material from “Caught In the Draft” tonight.